a winding path of possibilites

Currently, as I type out this sentence it's 11:38pm. (I tell you this, because chances are I'll post this way later than that time)

I'm currently filled with a billion ideas. and I have grad schools open on my browser. oy vey.
I feel like I did when I was in  high school. confused, a little lost, and totally unsure of what i want to do.

When I was looking for colleges I applied to four. Two really good drama schools, A good art schoool, and a safety school for art. What i wanted to do with my life was still a mystery. I loved art, that was enough to get me through. I knew nothing about stage design, all i knew was that scenic painting was something i might be interested in doing. I applied for computer animation (this is where you should laugh) Naturally I didn't get accepted, however I did get accepted to every other major at this art school.  And I was interested in sculpture, and i thought illisturations and animation were the coolest things. I even asked disney animators what schools they went to and how they got started in art.

The more I looked into syracuse, and getting accepted, the more I wanted to leave home, explore New York and find out what exactly where this path would get me. My parents really wanted me to get into Depaul, because how much cheaper and closer it was. I was relieved when I heard nothing back about being wait-listed. It meant that Syracuse was going to happen.

College was very different than I expected, I didn't really know what I was getting into with theatre design. I ended up really liking it. We won't talk about my first few projects, but I liked doing it. Doing stage design gave me an outline, a script, and allowed me to create off of that. One thing i struggled with in AP Art was I just couldn't come up with any ideas. I needed a push or something to go off of before I could let out my creativity. Uh how I wish i wasn't so stunted and taken aback by senioritis. Perhaps my art portfolio would be more impressive.

Foundation Art quickly through perspective in my lack of drawing skills. And i didn't have the patience to sit and draw until it was perfect. I was jealous of everyone else in that class, the art majors that were fantastic, and edgy. They had styles and knew artists. I felt lost in a world that i didn't take the time to learn about.

Depths of Imagination by *JennaleeAuclair

So why all the words? I know i've probably made a post similar to everything above before. Well now I'm lost. I want sculpture back. I want to be able to draw better, illustrate, do art. I love theatre, I like to design. Having to build and paint the show's i build...well... if someone else did it I'm sure they would turn out a whole lot better.

And here I am. I have ideas I want to put to paper. Drawings to get out of my head, a stop motion video i want to make (!!) and maybe i should go back to school for this. How cool would it be to be that person who designs, builds, paints, those little sets for stop motion? Or the environments for pixar movies. Everyvtime i see a pixar art book I'm floored with awe, jealousy, longing; i want to be able to do something like that, be apart of that. Part of me always wanted to be famous, maybe an actor or something. Just a little more recognition than that quite kid in the back of english class.

So I looked into grad schools, which is intimidating. Because do I really want to continue with theatre? I want to try film, movies, animation. Get back into photography; the smell of fixer and developer in the morning and the sounds of timers ticking back the seconds of exposure. I kinda want to be an art teacher, help guide the kids with passion towards dreams like my own.

So here I am. For the first time in a long time I'm lost on my future. I don't know what path to take, or if a detour is what i'm looking for.

woah, this is a lot of words. if you made it this far congrats, you know more about me than my own friends do.
and i realize how scatter brained this all is, jumping from thought to thought. so sorry you read all that.