[N]ot [Y]et [C]ertain

Here I am. I've spent three months so far living in NYC. This is what I can tell you:

I'm still not on the lease, nor do we have a copy of said paper. [insert thoughts on that here]
My current cost of living is around $960 a month. That doesn't factor in food.
My job pays at most half of what one of my roommates makes. [insert awesome feelings here]

Veil of Oblivion by jambi20

I've been reading some books about life after college, and how to be an adult. (the semi-proper way) And it's gotten me thinking a lot about my current life choices and where I'm going with all of this. This is what i've figured out:

I've questioned
my choice of moving to the city
I've questioned my choice of career, both currently in and what my degree is in
I feel so broke it makes me sick
My lack of social life is kind of depressing
I want a nice small cheap apartment. large enough to fit my stuff, but small enough where I can afford it.
I want to draw again. and get good at it. something with photography and anything artsy.
I want to learn more and continue to grow creatively.
I want a beach ready bod.
I NEED to stop being lazy and just do it.
Become better about my spending habits.

Well it's all a work in progress I guess. I'm determined to fix this. and I will.

Isaak Walton

Click. Click, click click.
I pull the camera away from my eye and study the image. It's of a woman having a picnic with her kids. The first day the weather has reached above 70, and it seems everyone is taking advantage.

Another click of the camera, an extra photo just to be safe. I kick off the ground and resume riding my bike down the predetermined path. Reaching the top of the hill, I stop to get another photo. Satisfied I tuck my camera into my bag and begin my trek across town.

A few moments later, and I'm heading toward my favorite part of town. A small wooded area. There's a path that I bike through to clear my head. A quick turn and I'm gliding past the baseball fields. In a few hours they'll be filled with little league-ers playing.

Before long my tires find the familiar gravel path. A post marks the start of the 3.6 mile loop. A sharp turn to the left and I'm in my own world.

My thoughts begin to clear as I cross the first mile marker. .20 miles.

After a mile, I draw close to my favorite spot. It's a steep climb up a small hill, but at the top you can see all of the small forest preserve. There's also a small lake outlined by a field of tall grass. I take a deep breath and reach for my camera. Click.

I don't need to check the photo, I know it's perfect.

I set my bike down and pull out a sketch pad. A small family of ducks are waddling past me. It only takes a few moments to put their image to paper. I move the drawing away from me, studying it like a chess player contemplating his next move. My small handwriting, unusually neat for the moment, spells out the date and location.

As the ducks swim off, click, my camera snaps a photo. Satisfied with my artistic moment, I remount the bike and set off down the rest of the trail.

It's near the end that gets the most exciting. Within the last half mile or so is a small pond that a lot of people in the town like to fish at. Today was no exception.

That's when I see him. I slow down to a stop on the opposite side of the pond. Click. Instinct tells me it's creepy to take photos, but I can't help it. Everything just feels right, the composition of the trees, the way the light is filtered through the blooming branches, even the ducks swimming across the lake.

He looks my way, and instantly I know he sees me staring. Quickly I continue my ride, only to be detoured by a family of hissing geese.

I'm thrown down a path I'm not familar with. The path isn't worn as well in this area as the one I'm used to. A low branch nearly beheads me as I turn a sharp corner. I halt to a stop as I realize where this path is taking me.

I'm quickly approaching the fishing area. Nerves surge through me. I don't know why I feel so nervous, I've seen this guy numerous times around town. Something's different about this time. Maybe it's the fact I was just caught taking photos, or it could be the noise of my bike disrupting the rest of the people fishing.

I'm too caught up in my own thoughts to notice the tree root sticking out of the ground. Fortunately for the tree root, it stayed in one place. I however swerved into the bushes landing on the hard packed dirt.

Slowly standing I start brushing off all the dirt, surveying the damage the ground did to my knee.

"Are you all right."

My eyes are trained on my knee, attempting to determine if the blood loss is equal to the amount of pain. "Yeah, just must have ran something over. I'll be fine," a hand is outstretched in my direction.

I look up to see the hand belongs to none other, than the guy I was just distracted by. I accept his hand, a shock going through my finger tips. I wince as weight gets put on my knee.

"That doesn't look so good." I'm trying to hide my embarrassment and look strong, "it's not that bad. Although I may need to hobble home." A weak chuckle leaves my lips. A terrible attempt of trying to make light of an embarrassing situation.

We make eye contact. The kind that gets held a little too long. I'm the first to look away, "I should probably head on my way." I gather my bag and my bike and begin to walk away. I don't get far before I hear him calling after me.

"Wait," he's jogging a little to catch up. He reaches for my shoulder to turn me around. Another jolt of electricity passes between us. He opens his mouth, but it's no longer his voice I hear.

"Finished." Confusion washes over me. "What did you want to do before dinner?" I'm pulled back to reality as I open my eyes and realize the voice belongs to my friend.

She closes her laptop and turns to face me. The sun is still beating down on me as I lay next to her on the grass.  A sigh escapes me as I sit up and the daydream begins to fade, "let's go for a ride."

Flash, Kid

So a couple of days ago I watched all of Young Justice.
Totally a fanboy for Robin/Nightwing and Kid Flash. Shipin' them all week long.
So yesterday was the series finale (yeah, series, because cartoon network is being a immature little 5 year old rude). Like the fanboy I am, I watched it. I CRIED.

They (SPOILER, like people read my blog anyway hah) killed off Wally West! AKA Kid Flash! I was so shocked and teary eyed. Dick Grayson was so distraught he left the team! I'm still dying over this.

Kid Flash by *Kiwa007

Cartoon Network has gone TOO FAR.
#heroesneverdie

secret identity

i've been having hero dreams again lately.
probably because i watched all of young justice this week.
and let me just say, not cool canceling it cartoon network, not cool.

google find. i'm such a nerd for these two

artistic stile

i've done some thinking. after a few days of panic and laziness, i've set up some reasonable goals and timelines for myself.

which may help me figure out where i want to be a year from now.
-i'm going to sketch everyday. something personal/ not work related
-go to the gym everyday. i want to look awesome this summer
-teach myself new techniques in painting.
-start making my comics again.
-just make the art like that which i'm inspired by. so i can stop wishing i could be more like that person, and actually get creative.
-spend more time downtown. out of the house even, but downtown is so much cooler than irwin park. lemme tell you.
-attempt to blog at least 5 times a week (i'd say everyday, but we've seen how well that's worked out)

it's fool proof! (even if I may revert to my old ways in like a week. here's hoping i don't)

and one day i'll score someone like stiles.

a boy can dream can't he?

a winding path of possibilites

Currently, as I type out this sentence it's 11:38pm. (I tell you this, because chances are I'll post this way later than that time)

I'm currently filled with a billion ideas. and I have grad schools open on my browser. oy vey.
I feel like I did when I was in  high school. confused, a little lost, and totally unsure of what i want to do.

When I was looking for colleges I applied to four. Two really good drama schools, A good art schoool, and a safety school for art. What i wanted to do with my life was still a mystery. I loved art, that was enough to get me through. I knew nothing about stage design, all i knew was that scenic painting was something i might be interested in doing. I applied for computer animation (this is where you should laugh) Naturally I didn't get accepted, however I did get accepted to every other major at this art school.  And I was interested in sculpture, and i thought illisturations and animation were the coolest things. I even asked disney animators what schools they went to and how they got started in art.

The more I looked into syracuse, and getting accepted, the more I wanted to leave home, explore New York and find out what exactly where this path would get me. My parents really wanted me to get into Depaul, because how much cheaper and closer it was. I was relieved when I heard nothing back about being wait-listed. It meant that Syracuse was going to happen.

College was very different than I expected, I didn't really know what I was getting into with theatre design. I ended up really liking it. We won't talk about my first few projects, but I liked doing it. Doing stage design gave me an outline, a script, and allowed me to create off of that. One thing i struggled with in AP Art was I just couldn't come up with any ideas. I needed a push or something to go off of before I could let out my creativity. Uh how I wish i wasn't so stunted and taken aback by senioritis. Perhaps my art portfolio would be more impressive.

Foundation Art quickly through perspective in my lack of drawing skills. And i didn't have the patience to sit and draw until it was perfect. I was jealous of everyone else in that class, the art majors that were fantastic, and edgy. They had styles and knew artists. I felt lost in a world that i didn't take the time to learn about.

Depths of Imagination by *JennaleeAuclair

So why all the words? I know i've probably made a post similar to everything above before. Well now I'm lost. I want sculpture back. I want to be able to draw better, illustrate, do art. I love theatre, I like to design. Having to build and paint the show's i build...well... if someone else did it I'm sure they would turn out a whole lot better.

And here I am. I have ideas I want to put to paper. Drawings to get out of my head, a stop motion video i want to make (!!) and maybe i should go back to school for this. How cool would it be to be that person who designs, builds, paints, those little sets for stop motion? Or the environments for pixar movies. Everyvtime i see a pixar art book I'm floored with awe, jealousy, longing; i want to be able to do something like that, be apart of that. Part of me always wanted to be famous, maybe an actor or something. Just a little more recognition than that quite kid in the back of english class.

So I looked into grad schools, which is intimidating. Because do I really want to continue with theatre? I want to try film, movies, animation. Get back into photography; the smell of fixer and developer in the morning and the sounds of timers ticking back the seconds of exposure. I kinda want to be an art teacher, help guide the kids with passion towards dreams like my own.

So here I am. For the first time in a long time I'm lost on my future. I don't know what path to take, or if a detour is what i'm looking for.

woah, this is a lot of words. if you made it this far congrats, you know more about me than my own friends do.
and i realize how scatter brained this all is, jumping from thought to thought. so sorry you read all that.