[N]ot [Y]et [C]ertain

Here I am. I've spent three months so far living in NYC. This is what I can tell you:

I'm still not on the lease, nor do we have a copy of said paper. [insert thoughts on that here]
My current cost of living is around $960 a month. That doesn't factor in food.
My job pays at most half of what one of my roommates makes. [insert awesome feelings here]

Veil of Oblivion by jambi20

I've been reading some books about life after college, and how to be an adult. (the semi-proper way) And it's gotten me thinking a lot about my current life choices and where I'm going with all of this. This is what i've figured out:

I've questioned
my choice of moving to the city
I've questioned my choice of career, both currently in and what my degree is in
I feel so broke it makes me sick
My lack of social life is kind of depressing
I want a nice small cheap apartment. large enough to fit my stuff, but small enough where I can afford it.
I want to draw again. and get good at it. something with photography and anything artsy.
I want to learn more and continue to grow creatively.
I want a beach ready bod.
I NEED to stop being lazy and just do it.
Become better about my spending habits.

Well it's all a work in progress I guess. I'm determined to fix this. and I will.

[standby] distraction.

I don't know what words I
want to put down. But I figured if I start typing maybe they'll find their way to the page.

The Ocean Sky by ~desmondWOOT

It's been a really rough week and I don't even know why.

I keep messing up at work, with no reason behind it. I wish i had even the slightest excuse but there is none. It's giving me a serious case of self doubt, and just leading to more problems than I would like.

Nothing is helping really. My roommate's been an ear to listen, which is great, but at the same time he probably thinks I'm making a bigger deal out of this than it needs to be. Which granted, I probably am.

Then there are things I want to talk about, but not with anyone I know. For some reason I just don't trust anyone, not even you dear reader, with this information. Part of me feels like if i just ignore it, it'll go away. Not needed for discussion or anything. At the same time, it's a feeling I don't want to lose of give up on. People bring it up with me, unknowingly and vaguely, but it has been brought up.

There is a part of me that wants to tell Zach, he above everyone else has a right to know. We haven't talked in so long, and I don't know if I want written evidence of what I have to say. Still leaving me in a bind.

never realized blogger had a labels limit. i went way over and had to cut back. #roughtimes

straight up crushin

if there is anything more inconvenient than a crush, it's a crush on a straight guy.


i think that about sums it up. you don't need to know more than that. because honestly, i don't really know myself. I'm 80% sure i'm just crazy, and 5% crushin. the last 15% is that awkward I don't really know what you're doing but i like it so let's continue.


if anything, i feel like i'm going through a right of passage as a gay guy.

ever since i came to terms and accepted who i was, i became proud of the fact that i didn't have weird crushes on any of my straight friends. but i guess it had to happen sometime right?

One With the Birds by *Kiwa007

a weighty outlook

I go to the gym now. AND I have a personal trainer. I told her my goal is to look like an abrercrombie model by summer.

Clearly not me, they're also Hollister Models, but it's still my goal body

 According to my trainer, I'm stronger and my arms look bigger. well would you look at that. looks like I'm accomplishing one of my resolutions.

She also asked me today if my friends are noticing. I laughed and said i don't have friends.  "So you wake up, come to the gym and then go home to be a hermit?" YUP basically. Then she said she'd hang out with me.  Isn't that nice. I feel like it would be weird. who knows. I just giggled and continued doing weight lifty stuff.

the page of swords

why? it was the first card that came to mind.

humans, all of you shall die by *demitasse-lover

and oddly enough, it's fairly relevant to how i'm feeling.
mentally restless, curious, energetic.

Ok, considering that I've been laying in bed all day, that last one may not apply too well.

I've got a lot on my mind lately. from trying to accomplish everything for a show, to figuring out my life once my summer job ends. 

side note. my sinuses just cleared up and i can breath crazy well. like woah crazy.

It's finally the end of the week, and I still feel like i have a million things to do before i go to sleep.