Sunday, December 29, 2013

[N]ot [Y]et [C]ertain

Here I am. I've spent three months so far living in NYC. This is what I can tell you:

I'm still not on the lease, nor do we have a copy of said paper. [insert thoughts on that here]
My current cost of living is around $960 a month. That doesn't factor in food.
My job pays at most half of what one of my roommates makes. [insert awesome feelings here]

Veil of Oblivion by jambi20
I've been reading some books about life after college, and how to be an adult. (the semi-proper way) And it's gotten me thinking a lot about my current life choices and where I'm going with all of this. This is what i've figured out:

I've questioned
my choice of moving to the city
I've questioned my choice of career, both currently in and what my degree is in
I feel so broke it makes me sick
My lack of social life is kind of depressing
I want a nice small cheap apartment. large enough to fit my stuff, but small enough where I can afford it.
I want to draw again. and get good at it. something with photography and anything artsy.
I want to learn more and continue to grow creatively.
I want a beach ready bod.
I NEED to stop being lazy and just do it.
Become better about my spending habits.

Well it's all a work in progress I guess. I'm determined to fix this. and I will.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

[standby] distraction.

I don't know what words I
want to put down. But I figured if I start typing maybe they'll find their way to the page.

The Ocean Sky by ~desmondWOOT
It's been a really rough week and I don't even know why.

I keep messing up at work, with no reason behind it. I wish i had even the slightest excuse but there is none. It's giving me a serious case of self doubt, and just leading to more problems than I would like.

Nothing is helping really. My roommate's been an ear to listen, which is great, but at the same time he probably thinks I'm making a bigger deal out of this than it needs to be. Which granted, I probably am.

Then there are things I want to talk about, but not with anyone I know. For some reason I just don't trust anyone, not even you dear reader, with this information. Part of me feels like if i just ignore it, it'll go away. Not needed for discussion or anything. At the same time, it's a feeling I don't want to lose of give up on. People bring it up with me, unknowingly and vaguely, but it has been brought up.

There is a part of me that wants to tell Zach, he above everyone else has a right to know. We haven't talked in so long, and I don't know if I want written evidence of what I have to say. Still leaving me in a bind.

never realized blogger had a labels limit. i went way over and had to cut back. #roughtimes

Sunday, June 16, 2013

23

today is my day of birth!

23 years old.

I've been looking forward to this birthday since i was like 19. I've just had really good feelings about it. and it seems that this is going to be the best year yet.

today was a great day all in all. which is a great thing considering birthdays 19-22 kinda fell short.

it's going to be a wonderful year.

23.
my attempt at a photobomb today. win.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Sister Mary Catherine

Today was a long and depressing day.

One of my littles passed away this morning. She was the bravest, happiest, most wonderful girl I've ever gotten to know.

All day I've been feeling, well I'm not sure what I've been feeling. I don't really know how I should be reacting. All I can think about is the fun times I've spent with MC.


Friday, May 31, 2013

straight up crushin

if there is anything more inconvenient than a crush, it's a crush on a straight guy.


i think that about sums it up. you don't need to know more than that. because honestly, i don't really know myself. I'm 80% sure i'm just crazy, and 5% crushin. the last 15% is that awkward I don't really know what you're doing but i like it so let's continue.


if anything, i feel like i'm going through a right of passage as a gay guy.

ever since i came to terms and accepted who i was, i became proud of the fact that i didn't have weird crushes on any of my straight friends. but i guess it had to happen sometime right?
One With the Birds by *Kiwa007

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Isaak Walton

Click. Click, click click.
I pull the camera away from my eye and study the image. It's of a woman having a picnic with her kids. The first day the weather has reached above 70, and it seems everyone is taking advantage.

Another click of the camera, an extra photo just to be safe. I kick off the ground and resume riding my bike down the predetermined path. Reaching the top of the hill, I stop to get another photo. Satisfied I tuck my camera into my bag and begin my trek across town.

A few moments later, and I'm heading toward my favorite part of town. A small wooded area. There's a path that I bike through to clear my head. A quick turn and I'm gliding past the baseball fields. In a few hours they'll be filled with little league-ers playing.

Before long my tires find the familiar gravel path. A post marks the start of the 3.6 mile loop. A sharp turn to the left and I'm in my own world.

My thoughts begin to clear as I cross the first mile marker. .20 miles.

After a mile, I draw close to my favorite spot. It's a steep climb up a small hill, but at the top you can see all of the small forest preserve. There's also a small lake outlined by a field of tall grass. I take a deep breath and reach for my camera. Click.

I don't need to check the photo, I know it's perfect.

I set my bike down and pull out a sketch pad. A small family of ducks are waddling past me. It only takes a few moments to put their image to paper. I move the drawing away from me, studying it like a chess player contemplating his next move. My small handwriting, unusually neat for the moment, spells out the date and location.

As the ducks swim off, click, my camera snaps a photo. Satisfied with my artistic moment, I remount the bike and set off down the rest of the trail.

It's near the end that gets the most exciting. Within the last half mile or so is a small pond that a lot of people in the town like to fish at. Today was no exception.

That's when I see him. I slow down to a stop on the opposite side of the pond. Click. Instinct tells me it's creepy to take photos, but I can't help it. Everything just feels right, the composition of the trees, the way the light is filtered through the blooming branches, even the ducks swimming across the lake.

He looks my way, and instantly I know he sees me staring. Quickly I continue my ride, only to be detoured by a family of hissing geese.

I'm thrown down a path I'm not familar with. The path isn't worn as well in this area as the one I'm used to. A low branch nearly beheads me as I turn a sharp corner. I halt to a stop as I realize where this path is taking me.

I'm quickly approaching the fishing area. Nerves surge through me. I don't know why I feel so nervous, I've seen this guy numerous times around town. Something's different about this time. Maybe it's the fact I was just caught taking photos, or it could be the noise of my bike disrupting the rest of the people fishing.

I'm too caught up in my own thoughts to notice the tree root sticking out of the ground. Fortunately for the tree root, it stayed in one place. I however swerved into the bushes landing on the hard packed dirt.

Slowly standing I start brushing off all the dirt, surveying the damage the ground did to my knee.

"Are you all right."

My eyes are trained on my knee, attempting to determine if the blood loss is equal to the amount of pain. "Yeah, just must have ran something over. I'll be fine," a hand is outstretched in my direction.

I look up to see the hand belongs to none other, than the guy I was just distracted by. I accept his hand, a shock going through my finger tips. I wince as weight gets put on my knee.

"That doesn't look so good." I'm trying to hide my embarrassment and look strong, "it's not that bad. Although I may need to hobble home." A weak chuckle leaves my lips. A terrible attempt of trying to make light of an embarrassing situation.

We make eye contact. The kind that gets held a little too long. I'm the first to look away, "I should probably head on my way." I gather my bag and my bike and begin to walk away. I don't get far before I hear him calling after me.

"Wait," he's jogging a little to catch up. He reaches for my shoulder to turn me around. Another jolt of electricity passes between us. He opens his mouth, but it's no longer his voice I hear.

"Finished." Confusion washes over me. "What did you want to do before dinner?" I'm pulled back to reality as I open my eyes and realize the voice belongs to my friend.

She closes her laptop and turns to face me. The sun is still beating down on me as I lay next to her on the grass.  A sigh escapes me as I sit up and the daydream begins to fade, "let's go for a ride."



Tuesday, April 2, 2013

putting the ex in text

Since this is my blog, I'ma vent for a minute.

My ex-boyfriend, who was a total ass, texted me out of the blue. Yeah, the guy I dumped almost exactly 3 years ago texted me.

"Hey Henry, this is Pat. Funny story, I found your spirited away DVD!"
Clearly I changed the names, because the internet is forever. think about it

Um... 
A. I deleted your number years ago, why did you not delete mine?
B. Not funny. I knew you took it. I even told you that when you moved out.
C. That movie was 23 bucks, and it's a fucking good movie.

Was this really necessary?
My conclusion: He's just striking up a way to talk to me. Probably to make it sound like he's doing amazing and that his life is better or some weird shit.


So naturally, I ignored and deleted the text.
boom.