[standby] distraction.

I don't know what words I
want to put down. But I figured if I start typing maybe they'll find their way to the page.

The Ocean Sky by ~desmondWOOT

It's been a really rough week and I don't even know why.

I keep messing up at work, with no reason behind it. I wish i had even the slightest excuse but there is none. It's giving me a serious case of self doubt, and just leading to more problems than I would like.

Nothing is helping really. My roommate's been an ear to listen, which is great, but at the same time he probably thinks I'm making a bigger deal out of this than it needs to be. Which granted, I probably am.

Then there are things I want to talk about, but not with anyone I know. For some reason I just don't trust anyone, not even you dear reader, with this information. Part of me feels like if i just ignore it, it'll go away. Not needed for discussion or anything. At the same time, it's a feeling I don't want to lose of give up on. People bring it up with me, unknowingly and vaguely, but it has been brought up.

There is a part of me that wants to tell Zach, he above everyone else has a right to know. We haven't talked in so long, and I don't know if I want written evidence of what I have to say. Still leaving me in a bind.

never realized blogger had a labels limit. i went way over and had to cut back. #roughtimes

23

today is my day of birth!

23 years old.

I've been looking forward to this birthday since i was like 19. I've just had really good feelings about it. and it seems that this is going to be the best year yet.

today was a great day all in all. which is a great thing considering birthdays 19-22 kinda fell short.

it's going to be a wonderful year.

23.

my attempt at a photobomb today. win.

oh brother

You MUST have seen your face by *viria13

growing up i've always wanted a sibling.
i've always imagined what it would be like to have a twin. switching places and all that fun jazz.

now that i'm home and with my parents like all the time, i've never wanted a younger brother more. someone who i can talk to about my parents, or even to just share those "wow, mom and dad are weird" moments with. or even someone who'd want to play video games or board games with.

maybe it's just because i don't have anyone to hang out with in chicago. not to mention most of my time is either spent at home or in a car.

a weighty outlook

I go to the gym now. AND I have a personal trainer. I told her my goal is to look like an abrercrombie model by summer.

Clearly not me, they're also Hollister Models, but it's still my goal body

 According to my trainer, I'm stronger and my arms look bigger. well would you look at that. looks like I'm accomplishing one of my resolutions.

She also asked me today if my friends are noticing. I laughed and said i don't have friends.  "So you wake up, come to the gym and then go home to be a hermit?" YUP basically. Then she said she'd hang out with me.  Isn't that nice. I feel like it would be weird. who knows. I just giggled and continued doing weight lifty stuff.

one day these words will reach you

happy birthday.
I mean it, and yet at the same time I don't.
There are few people in this world that I can trust will be there for me. No matter what happens, where I am, the distance between us, I'll always have them. You're different.
At one point we shared a common interest in our future. Now, I'm lucky to be included in your present. It's rough. Our lives are taking in us in different directions, to different parts of the country. I always hoped that we'd stay close no matter what. I've notice the drift last year, but thanksgiving is when that drift hit me.

Lilo and Stitch (And a smooch, oh my) by *Vilva

One day as you're sitting in your room cleaning out your stuff getting ready to move, you'll stumble upon a photo of us. I can't predict what will go through your head anymore, but i hope it's realization and sadness. Sadness that we haven't spent more than twenty minutes together, let alone talking in a very long time. Realization that this is one of those moments that we talked about doing together: moving somewhere fun.

To keep it simple; I hate that you didn't make an effort to hang out with me or talk to me after a year. Yet, I still miss your company.