Sunday, December 29, 2013

[N]ot [Y]et [C]ertain

Here I am. I've spent three months so far living in NYC. This is what I can tell you:

I'm still not on the lease, nor do we have a copy of said paper. [insert thoughts on that here]
My current cost of living is around $960 a month. That doesn't factor in food.
My job pays at most half of what one of my roommates makes. [insert awesome feelings here]

Veil of Oblivion by jambi20
I've been reading some books about life after college, and how to be an adult. (the semi-proper way) And it's gotten me thinking a lot about my current life choices and where I'm going with all of this. This is what i've figured out:

I've questioned
my choice of moving to the city
I've questioned my choice of career, both currently in and what my degree is in
I feel so broke it makes me sick
My lack of social life is kind of depressing
I want a nice small cheap apartment. large enough to fit my stuff, but small enough where I can afford it.
I want to draw again. and get good at it. something with photography and anything artsy.
I want to learn more and continue to grow creatively.
I want a beach ready bod.
I NEED to stop being lazy and just do it.
Become better about my spending habits.

Well it's all a work in progress I guess. I'm determined to fix this. and I will.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

[standby] distraction.

I don't know what words I
want to put down. But I figured if I start typing maybe they'll find their way to the page.

The Ocean Sky by ~desmondWOOT
It's been a really rough week and I don't even know why.

I keep messing up at work, with no reason behind it. I wish i had even the slightest excuse but there is none. It's giving me a serious case of self doubt, and just leading to more problems than I would like.

Nothing is helping really. My roommate's been an ear to listen, which is great, but at the same time he probably thinks I'm making a bigger deal out of this than it needs to be. Which granted, I probably am.

Then there are things I want to talk about, but not with anyone I know. For some reason I just don't trust anyone, not even you dear reader, with this information. Part of me feels like if i just ignore it, it'll go away. Not needed for discussion or anything. At the same time, it's a feeling I don't want to lose of give up on. People bring it up with me, unknowingly and vaguely, but it has been brought up.

There is a part of me that wants to tell Zach, he above everyone else has a right to know. We haven't talked in so long, and I don't know if I want written evidence of what I have to say. Still leaving me in a bind.

never realized blogger had a labels limit. i went way over and had to cut back. #roughtimes

Sunday, June 16, 2013

23

today is my day of birth!

23 years old.

I've been looking forward to this birthday since i was like 19. I've just had really good feelings about it. and it seems that this is going to be the best year yet.

today was a great day all in all. which is a great thing considering birthdays 19-22 kinda fell short.

it's going to be a wonderful year.

23.
my attempt at a photobomb today. win.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Sister Mary Catherine

Today was a long and depressing day.

One of my littles passed away this morning. She was the bravest, happiest, most wonderful girl I've ever gotten to know.

All day I've been feeling, well I'm not sure what I've been feeling. I don't really know how I should be reacting. All I can think about is the fun times I've spent with MC.


Friday, May 31, 2013

straight up crushin

if there is anything more inconvenient than a crush, it's a crush on a straight guy.


i think that about sums it up. you don't need to know more than that. because honestly, i don't really know myself. I'm 80% sure i'm just crazy, and 5% crushin. the last 15% is that awkward I don't really know what you're doing but i like it so let's continue.


if anything, i feel like i'm going through a right of passage as a gay guy.

ever since i came to terms and accepted who i was, i became proud of the fact that i didn't have weird crushes on any of my straight friends. but i guess it had to happen sometime right?
One With the Birds by *Kiwa007

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Isaak Walton

Click. Click, click click.
I pull the camera away from my eye and study the image. It's of a woman having a picnic with her kids. The first day the weather has reached above 70, and it seems everyone is taking advantage.

Another click of the camera, an extra photo just to be safe. I kick off the ground and resume riding my bike down the predetermined path. Reaching the top of the hill, I stop to get another photo. Satisfied I tuck my camera into my bag and begin my trek across town.

A few moments later, and I'm heading toward my favorite part of town. A small wooded area. There's a path that I bike through to clear my head. A quick turn and I'm gliding past the baseball fields. In a few hours they'll be filled with little league-ers playing.

Before long my tires find the familiar gravel path. A post marks the start of the 3.6 mile loop. A sharp turn to the left and I'm in my own world.

My thoughts begin to clear as I cross the first mile marker. .20 miles.

After a mile, I draw close to my favorite spot. It's a steep climb up a small hill, but at the top you can see all of the small forest preserve. There's also a small lake outlined by a field of tall grass. I take a deep breath and reach for my camera. Click.

I don't need to check the photo, I know it's perfect.

I set my bike down and pull out a sketch pad. A small family of ducks are waddling past me. It only takes a few moments to put their image to paper. I move the drawing away from me, studying it like a chess player contemplating his next move. My small handwriting, unusually neat for the moment, spells out the date and location.

As the ducks swim off, click, my camera snaps a photo. Satisfied with my artistic moment, I remount the bike and set off down the rest of the trail.

It's near the end that gets the most exciting. Within the last half mile or so is a small pond that a lot of people in the town like to fish at. Today was no exception.

That's when I see him. I slow down to a stop on the opposite side of the pond. Click. Instinct tells me it's creepy to take photos, but I can't help it. Everything just feels right, the composition of the trees, the way the light is filtered through the blooming branches, even the ducks swimming across the lake.

He looks my way, and instantly I know he sees me staring. Quickly I continue my ride, only to be detoured by a family of hissing geese.

I'm thrown down a path I'm not familar with. The path isn't worn as well in this area as the one I'm used to. A low branch nearly beheads me as I turn a sharp corner. I halt to a stop as I realize where this path is taking me.

I'm quickly approaching the fishing area. Nerves surge through me. I don't know why I feel so nervous, I've seen this guy numerous times around town. Something's different about this time. Maybe it's the fact I was just caught taking photos, or it could be the noise of my bike disrupting the rest of the people fishing.

I'm too caught up in my own thoughts to notice the tree root sticking out of the ground. Fortunately for the tree root, it stayed in one place. I however swerved into the bushes landing on the hard packed dirt.

Slowly standing I start brushing off all the dirt, surveying the damage the ground did to my knee.

"Are you all right."

My eyes are trained on my knee, attempting to determine if the blood loss is equal to the amount of pain. "Yeah, just must have ran something over. I'll be fine," a hand is outstretched in my direction.

I look up to see the hand belongs to none other, than the guy I was just distracted by. I accept his hand, a shock going through my finger tips. I wince as weight gets put on my knee.

"That doesn't look so good." I'm trying to hide my embarrassment and look strong, "it's not that bad. Although I may need to hobble home." A weak chuckle leaves my lips. A terrible attempt of trying to make light of an embarrassing situation.

We make eye contact. The kind that gets held a little too long. I'm the first to look away, "I should probably head on my way." I gather my bag and my bike and begin to walk away. I don't get far before I hear him calling after me.

"Wait," he's jogging a little to catch up. He reaches for my shoulder to turn me around. Another jolt of electricity passes between us. He opens his mouth, but it's no longer his voice I hear.

"Finished." Confusion washes over me. "What did you want to do before dinner?" I'm pulled back to reality as I open my eyes and realize the voice belongs to my friend.

She closes her laptop and turns to face me. The sun is still beating down on me as I lay next to her on the grass.  A sigh escapes me as I sit up and the daydream begins to fade, "let's go for a ride."



Tuesday, April 2, 2013

putting the ex in text

Since this is my blog, I'ma vent for a minute.

My ex-boyfriend, who was a total ass, texted me out of the blue. Yeah, the guy I dumped almost exactly 3 years ago texted me.

"Hey Henry, this is Pat. Funny story, I found your spirited away DVD!"
Clearly I changed the names, because the internet is forever. think about it

Um... 
A. I deleted your number years ago, why did you not delete mine?
B. Not funny. I knew you took it. I even told you that when you moved out.
C. That movie was 23 bucks, and it's a fucking good movie.

Was this really necessary?
My conclusion: He's just striking up a way to talk to me. Probably to make it sound like he's doing amazing and that his life is better or some weird shit.


So naturally, I ignored and deleted the text.
boom.


Monday, April 1, 2013

a foolish april

what a lame day today was. it was super cold outside, after a glorious weekend of 50 degree weather.
I got no work done.
I got emails about updates on the work that i've yet to complete.

The boy who loved heights by =nuriko-kun
I just feel a little lost.

I'm still struggling with the idea of moving to NYC.
I'm worried about finding design work.
I'm worried about having a job. income. taxes. all grown up stuff.


Being at home right now feels like summer vacation. only without the perks of friends and warm weather. Which I think is a leading factor into my laziness. Old habits die hard.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Flash, Kid

So a couple of days ago I watched all of Young Justice.
Totally a fanboy for Robin/Nightwing and Kid Flash. Shipin' them all week long.
So yesterday was the series finale (yeah, series, because cartoon network is being a immature little 5 year old rude). Like the fanboy I am, I watched it. I CRIED.

They (SPOILER, like people read my blog anyway hah) killed off Wally West! AKA Kid Flash! I was so shocked and teary eyed. Dick Grayson was so distraught he left the team! I'm still dying over this.
Kid Flash by *Kiwa007
Cartoon Network has gone TOO FAR.
#heroesneverdie

Thursday, March 14, 2013

secret identity

i've been having hero dreams again lately.
probably because i watched all of young justice this week.
and let me just say, not cool canceling it cartoon network, not cool.

google find. i'm such a nerd for these two

Thursday, February 28, 2013

artistic stile

i've done some thinking. after a few days of panic and laziness, i've set up some reasonable goals and timelines for myself.

which may help me figure out where i want to be a year from now.
-i'm going to sketch everyday. something personal/ not work related
-go to the gym everyday. i want to look awesome this summer
-teach myself new techniques in painting.
-start making my comics again.
-just make the art like that which i'm inspired by. so i can stop wishing i could be more like that person, and actually get creative.
-spend more time downtown. out of the house even, but downtown is so much cooler than irwin park. lemme tell you.
-attempt to blog at least 5 times a week (i'd say everyday, but we've seen how well that's worked out)

it's fool proof! (even if I may revert to my old ways in like a week. here's hoping i don't)
and one day i'll score someone like stiles.
a boy can dream can't he?

oh brother

You MUST have seen your face by *viria13
growing up i've always wanted a sibling.
i've always imagined what it would be like to have a twin. switching places and all that fun jazz.

now that i'm home and with my parents like all the time, i've never wanted a younger brother more. someone who i can talk to about my parents, or even to just share those "wow, mom and dad are weird" moments with. or even someone who'd want to play video games or board games with.

maybe it's just because i don't have anyone to hang out with in chicago. not to mention most of my time is either spent at home or in a car.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

a weighty outlook

I go to the gym now. AND I have a personal trainer. I told her my goal is to look like an abrercrombie model by summer.

Clearly not me, they're also Hollister Models, but it's still my goal body
 According to my trainer, I'm stronger and my arms look bigger. well would you look at that. looks like I'm accomplishing one of my resolutions.

She also asked me today if my friends are noticing. I laughed and said i don't have friends.  "So you wake up, come to the gym and then go home to be a hermit?" YUP basically. Then she said she'd hang out with me.  Isn't that nice. I feel like it would be weird. who knows. I just giggled and continued doing weight lifty stuff.


Saturday, February 23, 2013

a winding path of possibilites

Currently, as I type out this sentence it's 11:38pm. (I tell you this, because chances are I'll post this way later than that time)

I'm currently filled with a billion ideas. and I have grad schools open on my browser. oy vey.
I feel like I did when I was in  high school. confused, a little lost, and totally unsure of what i want to do.

When I was looking for colleges I applied to four. Two really good drama schools, A good art schoool, and a safety school for art. What i wanted to do with my life was still a mystery. I loved art, that was enough to get me through. I knew nothing about stage design, all i knew was that scenic painting was something i might be interested in doing. I applied for computer animation (this is where you should laugh) Naturally I didn't get accepted, however I did get accepted to every other major at this art school.  And I was interested in sculpture, and i thought illisturations and animation were the coolest things. I even asked disney animators what schools they went to and how they got started in art.

The more I looked into syracuse, and getting accepted, the more I wanted to leave home, explore New York and find out what exactly where this path would get me. My parents really wanted me to get into Depaul, because how much cheaper and closer it was. I was relieved when I heard nothing back about being wait-listed. It meant that Syracuse was going to happen.

College was very different than I expected, I didn't really know what I was getting into with theatre design. I ended up really liking it. We won't talk about my first few projects, but I liked doing it. Doing stage design gave me an outline, a script, and allowed me to create off of that. One thing i struggled with in AP Art was I just couldn't come up with any ideas. I needed a push or something to go off of before I could let out my creativity. Uh how I wish i wasn't so stunted and taken aback by senioritis. Perhaps my art portfolio would be more impressive.

Foundation Art quickly through perspective in my lack of drawing skills. And i didn't have the patience to sit and draw until it was perfect. I was jealous of everyone else in that class, the art majors that were fantastic, and edgy. They had styles and knew artists. I felt lost in a world that i didn't take the time to learn about.

Depths of Imagination by *JennaleeAuclair
So why all the words? I know i've probably made a post similar to everything above before. Well now I'm lost. I want sculpture back. I want to be able to draw better, illustrate, do art. I love theatre, I like to design. Having to build and paint the show's i build...well... if someone else did it I'm sure they would turn out a whole lot better.

And here I am. I have ideas I want to put to paper. Drawings to get out of my head, a stop motion video i want to make (!!) and maybe i should go back to school for this. How cool would it be to be that person who designs, builds, paints, those little sets for stop motion? Or the environments for pixar movies. Everyvtime i see a pixar art book I'm floored with awe, jealousy, longing; i want to be able to do something like that, be apart of that. Part of me always wanted to be famous, maybe an actor or something. Just a little more recognition than that quite kid in the back of english class.

So I looked into grad schools, which is intimidating. Because do I really want to continue with theatre? I want to try film, movies, animation. Get back into photography; the smell of fixer and developer in the morning and the sounds of timers ticking back the seconds of exposure. I kinda want to be an art teacher, help guide the kids with passion towards dreams like my own.

So here I am. For the first time in a long time I'm lost on my future. I don't know what path to take, or if a detour is what i'm looking for.

woah, this is a lot of words. if you made it this far congrats, you know more about me than my own friends do.
and i realize how scatter brained this all is, jumping from thought to thought. so sorry you read all that.

Friday, February 22, 2013

the page of swords

why? it was the first card that came to mind.
humans, all of you shall die by *demitasse-lover
and oddly enough, it's fairly relevant to how i'm feeling.
mentally restless, curious, energetic.

Ok, considering that I've been laying in bed all day, that last one may not apply too well.

I've got a lot on my mind lately. from trying to accomplish everything for a show, to figuring out my life once my summer job ends. 

side note. my sinuses just cleared up and i can breath crazy well. like woah crazy.

It's finally the end of the week, and I still feel like i have a million things to do before i go to sleep.


Thursday, February 14, 2013

an unrealistic love story

Normally, I wouldn't consider myself one for sappy romantic ways of meeting. However, I watch too much television and read too many books.

All I want is to meet someone the old fashioned way. Without any help from dating websites, apps, or dating services.

prince charming by =starlit-sky
Ideally, and might I note most unrealistically, I would meet my prince charming at a masquerade party. Like you would see in movies. It would start just with casual bump ins: the food table, the coat check, the picture line (there's always someone talking pictures right?) Conversation would develop with each run-in. Something cheesy like "we need to stop meeting like this," and seemingly flirty. Naturally since it's a masquerade neither of us would know who we're talking to. Eventually as the night wears down and people start to leave my friends I came with would be dancing with their own respective others.

That's when, in true rom-com cliche, he would find me sitting alone at a table and ask me to dance just in time for the last song. It would be great and end in a fantastic kiss.

Here's where in traditional movie fashion. Something would cause both of us to part ways without ever knowing who it was we were dancing with. Leaving the party with just the memory of meeting a great guy and having a perfect night.

Sadly with the odds of that happening, I'm better off winning the lottery in every state this side of the Mississippi.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

one day these words will reach you

happy birthday.
I mean it, and yet at the same time I don't.
There are few people in this world that I can trust will be there for me. No matter what happens, where I am, the distance between us, I'll always have them. You're different.
At one point we shared a common interest in our future. Now, I'm lucky to be included in your present. It's rough. Our lives are taking in us in different directions, to different parts of the country. I always hoped that we'd stay close no matter what. I've notice the drift last year, but thanksgiving is when that drift hit me.

Lilo and Stitch (And a smooch, oh my) by *Vilva
One day as you're sitting in your room cleaning out your stuff getting ready to move, you'll stumble upon a photo of us. I can't predict what will go through your head anymore, but i hope it's realization and sadness. Sadness that we haven't spent more than twenty minutes together, let alone talking in a very long time. Realization that this is one of those moments that we talked about doing together: moving somewhere fun.

To keep it simple; I hate that you didn't make an effort to hang out with me or talk to me after a year. Yet, I still miss your company.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

runaway

I've been thinking about what it would be like to just get up and leave.
Sort of start over and try something new. All I would need is my computer, a nice camera, and an ipod for some tunes. Add a backpack of clothes and I could just leave and travel for a while.

I can't stop thinking about how nice it would be. To not be tethered to responsibilities, just out on my own taking in everything there is to see and do.


found on tumblr. artist unknown
 

Thursday, January 3, 2013

things you should know....

i like the word "twitter" said in a british accent
I dig harry potter.
grammar teamed up with spelling to become my arch enemies.
I'm a sucker for cheesy phrases like gee wilikers (sp?)
i like romantic stuff.
i'm a comedy person.
i like your face.
ok maybe that last one was a lie..
i like to tell lies. mostly white lies.
          why are little lies called white lies?
                  what happens when its big? is it cyan?
lying to see someone's reaction is priceless... and also called a joke
i worry about what people think about me sometimes
i like to read gay fiction
i like super heroes
i get it
i like my friends
i'm with the in crowd
     i'm not but i like to believe that.
i'm with the out crowd (i thought this was clever)
Domo-san is mi amigo (whats wrong with that sentence?)
being different is something i take pride in (most of the time)
being weird is how i do.
i tend to wear my heart on my sleeve
normal is something i don't strive to be
trampolines are the bee's knees
            do bee's have knees?
I like who i've become
i can tell it like it is
i can walk a walk and talk like a midwesterner
climbing is fun.
risky adventures are something i crave
along with white castle every now and then. like now. damn.
i try to make lists but only get as far as writing pro and con.
tarrot cards are pretty baller. but i will not use them to ask about a specific person i'm interested in (ask me why! haha jk don't do that)
successfully brought salty back for a week.
created a tradition that still holds at my high school ( need a pin! DOCTOR PHIL oh wait jk OPRAH)
procrastination should be my middle name
as long as it's hyphenated with awesome-awkward-pro-risky-adventurous-danger
I'm not very good at blogging, but that doesn't stop me
i can be a hypocrite
can't touch my toes
i'm really hungry. make me a pizza?

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

2013

It's the start of a new year and I'm so excited. For whatever reason I know this is going to be one awesome year.
Even if my New Year's Eve was uneventful, and I spent a good amount of time helping bail someone out of jail today. I have high hopes for what this year will hold.

sb004 by *fdasuarez

Goals for the year:
  • Move out of state or take time to travel around the country
  • Live a little
  • Finish my website(hah)
  • See out my training at the gym
I think that's a good start.

happy new year.